Forgive my absence. The sudden and unexpected passing of my dad last June sent me into a life-altering tailspin – broken open into a river of deep grief. My dad was my champion, my guidepost, the ever-present one standing in the end zone, ready to celebrate my wins with endless curiosity and encouragement as I fumbled my way towards my soul’s path.
It was only with the blessing of my mom’s early passing 6 years ago (yes, you read that right) that I got to know him as I discovered myself. I’m infinitely grateful for those years, and of course, I want more. His absence rips open a gaping void that leaves me feeling untethered. His legacy calls me towards a life of courage.
This loss has led me into a deeper exploration of the whole of my collective grief – grief for all I’ve lost, for what I never had, and for that which has not yet come to be. It has, at times, felt bottomless, but I have been so beautifully held in this journey by several different grief communities.
I would never say it is a gift, but there is a beauty in grief, an unraveling into complete surrender. The pretenses come down and the superfluous melts away, leaving you stripped bare and raw. Grief gives you fresh eyes to see yourself and the world with a new perspective while offering the opportunity to be profoundly present in the here and now.
It breaks your heart open and sends love spilling out from the cracks. Grief is after all, love turned on its head. Grief means you loved and were loved. To sit with grief and to let it wash over you is to honor that love and to be present with yourself. Grief can be a wise teacher when we sit in compassion and surrender.
Grief has allowed me to connect to my body and be with what IS. It has expanded my range of emotions and my ability to be with others in tender spaces. My journey has led me into a grief movement training which feels like a long-lost answer to a prayer as I know will change the trajectory of my work and my life.
As I sort through these ashes and the earth starts to bud into the fresh new life of Spring, I feel my strength gathering, a Phoenix dusting off her wings as she readies to rise with a greater depth, clarity, strength, courage and a heart stronger in the broken places.